The Route To Power"The way to a better future, via Warsaw"To become elected to power in modern Britain we do not need to convince the electorate that we are the best people for the job. We must only show that all the other parties will be a great deal worse than we are. Of course we will try our best to avoid using this strategy but we will lack credibility on the international scene if our victory in a general election is won purely on the back of well thought out and costed policies that will bring benefits to all citizens of our great country. We must also endeavour to ensure that our plans for phase two are not made public until we wish to implement them once in government. Keeping the above in mind, I give you the Invade Poland Party's manifesto for a better future: We will be a radical party. We are not afraid to make sweeping changes to the duties and taxes imposed on our citizens, all of these changes are entirely justified and can only improve the economy of our nation. Section A - Dodgy SubstancesSmoking and Cigarette dutyDuty on cigarettes will be doubled, this is on both public health and monetary grounds, some of this increase will be used to offset some of the losses on reduced income tax but most will be spent on an improved health service. We must remind ourselves that the modern health service of the united kingdom would not exist without the subsidy provided by smokers, for this reason we will raise the level of duty on cigarettes and encourage people to smoke if they want to. We will of course be banning smoking in very confined environments such as shopping malls and restaurants and bars below a certain size, this is because most establishments cannot provide separate smoking and non-smoking areas so no one at all should smoke in them. The real danger with smoking is that due to passive inhalation of smoke by persons who do not wish to smoke themselves as they have decided that they wish to avoid the ill effects of that smoke.We will also provide cigarette manufacturers a legal protection package, they will pay tax on their profits at an increased rate but will not be liable for any damage they have caused to smokers in the past or in the future. All smokers have chosen to smoke so they should face the consequences, they will be cared for by the national health service and will receive benefits like everyone else. Alcohol and related productsThe level of duty on alcohol will be reduced by 10% across the board, this will serve to increase the enjoyment of millions, the amount of money given to alcohol support charities will be increases ten-fold and detox centres will be set up in bleak Scottish towns. Alcohol will also be made available to those under the age of eighteen but older than sixteen on Tuesday nights only, this will only be available until 11:00 PM and an approved ID must be provided to obtain it. This will encourage the use of id cards and will reduce the problem of having under aged people drinking on nights when people do go out. We will also set up a national chain of reduced price pubs which play no music, have no arcade machines and are generally inoffensive. We have no reason for doing this but it is still a good idea.Other recreational drugsThe recreational drug cannabis will be made legal and will be sold at high prices through a government owned company, it will be available only from national lottery outlets and with the production of the national id card that we will be introducing once in power. The cannabis will be grown only in government approved bonded green houses and all other growing or sales of the drug will remain illegal with heavier penalties for breaking this law, we do not wish to loose our monopoly after all.We wish to legalize cannabis for one main reason, that of hard cash. At the present moment a lot of money is wasted chasing drug pushers all over the country, if we made it ourselves it would be much cheaper for us all. There are other motivations for the change but these are not as pressing. It will reduce the amount of crime (but only as there are less offences) and it should remove some of the drug dealers, more will be removed by our other important drug policies . Anyway, who cares when the money's rolling in! The use of all other drugs will be made even more illegal than it is today, penalties will be heavier and searches made more often. The police's right to search will be extended to, basically, when ever they want to, and all those convicted of drug related crimes will be sent to one of the newly constructed Shetland prisons where they will be very cold and will only eat onion soup, ha ha ha ha. Also, all of their assets will be seized and given to the government to do what it wants to with. Section B - Private PropertyOnly joking, this is good stuff, I say everyone gets to keep it, even if they are taxed a lot for having any. Of course, I get more than anyone else, but that's to be expected really.Section C - Evil Stinking Cars and LorriesThese are very bad things indeed, not because they pollute the environment (but that is a good excuse to tax them) but because there are so many of them. The amount of car use will be reduced by building sky cars and a moon taxi service, only through such a massive departure from the norm can this problem be solved.Actually, I don't want to get rid of cars and lorries, they are bloody good really. They let you go from A to B, B to A and even to C where the buses don't bother going (except on every third Sunday during months with an 'r' in them). In spite of this I can still double the amount of tax and duty charged on all things automotive and no one will change their habits, they might grumble but who cares, they will have a reduced level of income tax and there will be no unemployment at all. Yes, taxes on oil products, on new cars and on their use will be increased. Not only will I tax parking spaces I'll tax the paint they use to mark them, all parking fines will be doubled and the speed limit on motorways will be increased to 85 mph, just for kicks mind. Some of this taxation will be used to pay for better trains and buses but there will be so much cash that most will be put into plan A (see later) and some into plan B (which is a secret (Swiss bank account in my name, see phase two for more details)). It may reduce traffic but if it does I'll build more roads so that there is more again. Section D - Foreign PolicyI will have to make a drastic change in our nation's foreign policy. In the past we have followed a policy of power through division. We fought wars with the Spanish against the French, the French and Italians against the Germans, the French and Russians against the Germans and the Italians. In more recent times we have been working towards further disunity in Europe, this was achieved (perversely) by placing ourselves at its heart and pursuing bad policies. Most recently we have argued for a greater membership of both the EC and the UN, this allows for more potential arguments between their members. In an inspired move we have also been able not to enter the Euro, this can only work to destabilize Europe further as we competitively devalue our currency to make our goods cheaper.Anyway, we will pursue this policy while we increase the size of our armed forces to hinder the growth of any resistance. Once we have rearmed ourselves fully we shall have to break away from this policy as we intend to unify Europe and then the World through conquest. Well, some sacrifices are always necessary. Section E - Jobs and UnemploymentThe first is a good thing, the second a bad one. I will increase the first through a massive program of public works and the increased size of the armed forces required by "Plan A". I will reduce the second by the same means, using the larger army if necessary to beat up all those who cannot be bothered to get jobs on the first place. More jobs will also be provided by the larger size of the police and prison services. Simple people, simple problem, simple solution, that's what I say.Very big banksThese have been an increasingly large problem in recent times and will force the world into anarchy if I don't do it first. I will not be taking any action against them as their money is far too useful. Once my plans have come to pass I won't be needing them any more but by then it will be too late for them to do anything about it.Needlessly large Software CompaniesThese are a pain in the nether regions, we can't live without them and no one wants to live with them. The only solution will be to tighten the Trades Descriptions Act so that software bugs are included, forcing IT companies to compensate people for any defective software. In the future I intend to move all information related tools into the public domain so that all software is free for the end user, computer programmers will be paid handsomely to write the stuff but they should not be allowed to sell it as well. I will also push forward Linux so that the nation's computers can run with a better operating system than they do at present.Education and Scientific ResearchThese will be priorities for the IPP, all children will be able to read before they are allowed to do anything else at school. This might prevent the more stupid ones from using the wendy house but they will thank me later. Children will also be made to read good books, Alice in Wonderland, The Lord of the Rings and other classics will be set down in a cultural curriculum. Funding for all forms of education will be doubled as will investment in all scientific research areas. This country will also embark on a massive fusion research program, this will involve the construction of three different tokomak type research reactors and one conventional nuclear reactor to provide for start up energy. Only by placing our money where our wishes lie can we achieve anything. We will also build ten more conventional nuclear power plants to reduce the burden placed on fossil fuel resources and make school physics much more interesting by doubling the background count rate.I also intend to slightly vary the laws of physics, this might seem to be a radical step but my reasons and methods are sound. The problem with physics at the moment is that it does not let you do some of the things you want to, like travel faster then light. I will remove this problem through careful negotiations with the Gods who will alter reality, in return I will ensure that they are able to continue to have followers after phase B. Enough of that, what about the good stuff?Yes, a good point, the main aim of this party is to invade Poland. To achieve this goal we must first build up a very large army, navy and air force. I expect to grow all of the services to ten times their current size. The territorial army will be phased out and merged with the proper army, we won't be needing reserve forces where we're going boys. A special ministry will be set up to create terrible songs which old people of the future can sing along to at Christmas. It will also be responsible for training all officers to speak with silly accents and to have only the faintest grasp of military tactics, this will ensure that they are willing to lead our boys over the top to give fritz a good bashing, to wop the frogs and kick the proverbial out of the Poles.With such a great manifesto we cannot fail to find our greedy hands on the reigns of power. Once there we will be able to proceed with phase two of our plans for world domination, the build up to war! Phase One - The Route to Power
(Please remember that this was written as a political and historical
satire and does not really represent my true opinions. I only want to invade
Poland, it's not that much to ask,
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